Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I have a black belt in leather
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>