National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
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If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
They’re really bad with fonts.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.