37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
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A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
another case of gang violins
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out