Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
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remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad