wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
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Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David