Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
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Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..