When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
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operators are standing by to ignore your call
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.