[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
You Might Also Like
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.