Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
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Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
it must be school picture day
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!