My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.