a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
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[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I’m good, thanks.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.