So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
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Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Wake me when AI does housework
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale