[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
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Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.