Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
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* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Life is a suicide mission.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull