When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
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if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Battery falling down a hole
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…