Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
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Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Unexpected Judgment
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.