My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago