A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
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Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.