WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
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There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
guys i’ve cracked the code
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
my proudest tweet
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”