Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
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ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.