Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Accurate
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.