Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
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Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it