Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
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I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.