I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
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My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.