I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
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Bike for sale
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.