Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
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Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
🤭😂
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?