A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
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“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
so this horse walks into a bar
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.