Well there goes my Wednesday night.
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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.