Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
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Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.