The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
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Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I hate everything
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.