For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards