my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
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went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Tough love is true love
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what