[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
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texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?