Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
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Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what