Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
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I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
i love modern commerce
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house