I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
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[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶