Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
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her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
constantly working on myself.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?