Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
You Might Also Like
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky