John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
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Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”