me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
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A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
estão todos miauvindo?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
wish me luck lads
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.