[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now