The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
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You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”