Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
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I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!