When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
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me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious