me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
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Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
This is a bad sign
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*