Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
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watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
January has been Januweary
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
motivation
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok