[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
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Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”