[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
You Might Also Like
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.