°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
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My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
When you’ve simply given up.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics