I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
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Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.